sf; "QUETZAL". One giant studio iMac, and about 10 other iMacs, Free Wi Fi,
great service (friendly outgoing people that seem to like their job, IN SAN FRANCISCO),
exceptional coffee and great food, indoor outdoor seating. 1234 Polk St. in San Francisco.
Anywho... We talked and I upset him a little a couple times, with the typical position about the same old, "keeping his feelings a top secret", until too late, etc. but while he threatened to leave, I defused the pressure quickly and got to the critical elements. It was very sad because I realized I will always remember this place as the place Jim and I broke up, so to me it's the saddest place in the world, but when I explained to him what binding arbitration is and how it would save us 10's of thousands assuming that he still wouldn't acknowledge I had any rights to what we've built, over the last 20+ years and he agreed to it, casually without hesitation. "I was stunned", doesn't begin to cover my shock and relief. So to just see if he had any idea what he was saying, I scolded him for thinking of me as a first wife, and as if he had been discussing all of this with experts, still very matter of fact, when asked if he thought I had rights to half of everything, without hesitation or regret he said yes.
In that moment I was going yea! inside. Something was unsettling though, I asked a series of questions attempting to find out if he could visualize ever seeing me as his boyfriend again. He had a visceral No! Not like before, reaction, but said he doesn't want ANyone as a boyfriend again. I threw out some scenarios that we were living our own separate lives, but dating each other consistently but with no expectations or claims to each other, and he said maybe in six more months. So he has completely written off all romance for now, although he has dated a couple guys a second but not third time. It all happened so fast, but it was about 40 minutes, and he had to go, but he agreed to see War Horse with me next month. I croaked out something about it being another watershed moment. So he left and I triumphantly, texted everyone that supported me through this holocaust of my doom, and just as I thought I should be celebrating I found myself drowning in a fresh new wave of sadness, that I had not experienced before and didn't see coming.
Now I realize that thinking he was going to try to screw me out of a respectable outcome, gave me cause to think of him as hostile, underhanded, and deceitful, now those crutches were yanked out from me and I could hardly walk. I was left with the only image of him as the same amazing, adorable, love of my life, for which I owe so much for the happiest 20 years, of my existence. I have felt instinctively all through this torture that there should be a retreat or monastery or hospital to run to when you've lost so much love, so instantaneously, and helplessly. Where you could go and be cared for by angels of mercy, and plan how to pick up the shattered dreams and pieces of your life. It doesn't exist though. I have very successfully surrounded myself with wise and caring friends, most of whom I didn't know at all the night he left, and I couldn't have survived this without them. For that I'm very grateful.
Jim wouldn't answer any of my must know questions, without Robert, the Couples Therapist, present, but said: "No way can I afford him right now!" I agreed, but forgot to mention that I will get the invoices from Robert and get the reimbursements from the insurance company, and there the funds will be to see him again, and maybe I can get some answers, finally.
So I've got to think that some day, we can have a affectionate and romantic friendship again, I certainly hope so, or I will be disappointed in the rest of my life, barring some "second soulmate" entering the picture, even then I will always love Jim in a very special way, as an eternal apendage, that I wouldn't have surgically removed for anything! ... or would I?
I wish I had taken a photo of him today, rats!
Thanks everybody. Next! chapter, I guess. since I have no choice. I will go through the motions and maybe even well, sometimes, but I will still be thinking about him and missing him desperately, a few hundred times a day. The difference is the panic attacks, they're much less severe now but the volume of sadness I feel is like that of a widow. I assume most widows that feel this kind of loss would want to rip my heart out with the knowledge that he'll still be there to attend "WAR HORSE" with, I'll grant them that, thank God, it's not that hopeless! Let's form a retreat, like in The Women, except in a good place not Nevada, especially Reno! I've got $5 who's got the other $million
